coping with death of a boyfriend

Comfort Shields appeared on “Open to Hope” radio. The only way is to allow yourself to grieve, to be angry and scream when you need to. Our anecdotal impression – it takes a special girlfriend/boyfriend to (1) understand death does not end a relationship, (2) allow the deceased’s memory into their life, and (3) understand that you can love a person in the present, while continuing to cherish a significant other who has died. Your presence is the most important thing you can offer a man who is coping with death and dealing with grief. They didn’t take her grief seriously, because she “only” lost a boyfriend. This is a topic that I feel very strongly about and I hope to answer in more detail soon. Credit: ©iStockphoto.com/Lisa F. Young 2007. Another major concern after the death of a spouse is the health and survival of the remaining partner. Required fields are marked *. To help you get through this trying situation, recall the way your partner handled the roles that you must now assume. Denial, anger, negotiation/bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. This absence adds an extra challenge in terms of grieving the loss: Not only must you grieve the loss of your dearest friend but also you must stretch yourself in assuming new, untried roles associated with taking care of yourself and the rest of your immediate family. If you’re a caregiver for an elderly surviving partner who’s recently lost his or her long-time companion, you need to be particularly vigilant about that person’s physical and mental health. Of course, these questions are not always rational, but nevertheless, many of us ask them as a way of making sense of our role in our partner’s life and death. Then, left in the wake of a partner’s suicide, we are often left with a tremendous sense of guilt, abandonment and stigma. My question is, what would Ms. Shields say to those people now, all of these years after her boyfriend committed suicide, knowing what she knows now? I am grateful for this and can’t wait to tune in. The health and even the continued existence of this person may depend upon getting help so that he or she sees that even this terrible grief is survivable. You don’t need to talk, or ask him to talk. Partners are often the most intimate with the deceased. At least you know what true love is. It seemed as if I didn’t have a right to feel such pain or to be included as one of the nearest and dearest survivors of Ben’s suicide, since I was not related to him or tied to him by marriage. We also may look at ourselves and ask why we weren’t good enough to “make” our partner “stay”. We often feel that society is judging us for what we were not able to do and that we are somehow tainted by the “taboo” of suicide. Seek the support of family and friends and one day you will come out the other side. God did bless both of you. Often the vulnerability that you feel upon the death of a spouse relates directly to the roles that your partner played in the relationship, particularly the following: Primary caregiver for you and your children, Primary decision-maker within your relationship, Primary catalyst for personal growth and change within your relationship. In the death of a spouse, however, you face the loss of someone you specifically chose to be with and whom fate saw fit to take from you. 1. When this happens, I remind them that, when death occurs, one must not simply assume that the only people close to the deceased are tied by kinship. Usually, once I explain how close I was to Ben and what I went through with him before his death and alone after his death, people begin to understand just how intimately affected partners of suicide are. The baby monitor hummed as my two-year-old napped in a pack and play covered in a mosquito net. A website visitor has this question for author Comfort Shields: Q: I saw that the author C. Comfort Shields will be on your radio program next week. This pressure to assume new roles couldn’t come at a worse time than precisely at the moment you feel most alone and vulnerable. Your email address will not be published. The Open to Hope Community Leader is here to answer questions, provide support, and maintain a healthy, positive environment at opentohope.com. Because the two of you formed a team, the lack of the other essential member and the roles that he or she played is sure to be keenly felt. Your email address will not be published. No matter how inept or uncomfortable you feel, you are enough. Coping with Loss. Although considered anecdotal, many spouses, especially seniors, don’t live long after the death of their partners. Thank you for your excellent question. Jacqueline, Thank God you had that time with him and had true love in your life if only for a short time.

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